Just Grab My Hand And Don't Ever Drop It
by choose joy xox
Summary: "She couldn't handle so much uncertainty, so she did the only thing that she knew how to do. She turned to the pursuit of knowledge. It was what she was good at. The more they learned about the time that Ali was away, the more the discovered about Bethany Young, the closer they came to unraveling the tangled web of lies." Set somewhere in early 5B.


**Not my best work, but I actually kind of like it. For you ANON TUMBLR REVIEWER PERSON. I love yoooou. Thank you for giving me this prompt and being the best.**

**This takes place somewhere in the season 5B landscape. A few episodes in, I would say. I tried to keep the two idiots canon, but sometimes I get carried away! I hope you like it! And if you don't gently tell me that too, okay? The whole reason I'm on this site is to improve my writing!**

**GOING TO WORK! Leave me beautiful things to come back to!**

**SPOV**

The loose floorboard in the hallway creaked loudly, but she never took her eyes off of the computer screen. Pages after pages of google results danced before he exhausted eyes. Every time she felt she was nearing the end there was something new to look at.

So much was out of her control right now. Her parents were separating and there was nothing she could do about it. She was being accused of a murder that her sister may have actually unknowingly committed. No one was sure of what side Alison was on. Was she helping them in her own manipulative way, or was she truly betraying them? And who was the faceless figure that had been torturing them for years? Was it Ali or was it someone else?

The unknown was too much. She couldn't handle so much uncertainty, so she did the only thing that she knew how to do. She turned to the pursuit of knowledge. It was what she was good at, and it was the best way she could help. The more they learned about the time that Ali was away, the more the discovered about Bethany Young, the closer they came to unraveling the tangled web of lies and deceit.

She swayed as she stood to grab the article she printed from a local news site. It mentioned a Bethany Young, and there was every possibility that it was their Bethany Young. Maybe if she studied the girl's past she would have a better idea of who may have wanted to murder her. Her fingers tightened around the edge of the desk until the feeling passed, squeezing so tightly that her fingers and knuckles turned white. A sheen of sweat dotted her forehead, which made no sense. She was freezing. Maybe she should grab a blanket, but she honestly couldn't tear her eyes from the screen.

She promised Toby and her parents that she would't go back to the pills again, and she meant that. She had lied to Toby enough times in the last two years. She would keep her word in this instance. But she had always been an exceptional student. She could focus without the medicated assistance, but her current circumstances made it difficult. The ankle monitor weighed heavily against her leg. She wasn't just fighting to be free of -A. She was fighting for any chance she might have of a normal future. This was the second time in two years she was accused of a murder she didn't commit, and it wasn't sitting right with her.

"Spence?"

She started so violently she nearly knocked her laptop off of her desk. Warm hands gently closed over her arms. "Sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."

She turned to look at him, desperation and embarrassment coloring her features in equal measure. She didn't want to seem weak in front of Toby, but God, she needed him more than she needed the air she breathed, more that she needed anything, really. She spun in her desk chair and wrapped both arms around his waist. She hid her face in his stomach, drawing comfort in his woodsy scent. It was the most comforting thing that she could imagine.

"What's wrong, baby?"

Nothing. Nothing was wrong now that he was there. Like she told him just days earlier, before everything went to hell, it was always easier when he was there. "Nothing," she whispered, completely unable to articulate her thoughts further.

"Spence," he implored, carefully pulling her up from the chair, but as his hands loosened she was overcome by a sudden bout of vertigo and fell into him. "_Spencer."_

She put both hands on his chest to find her center of gravity and was surprised to see them shaking. The subtle trembling wasn't lost on him either. He tugged her toward the bed and laid her out flat. "Are you sick?"

She shook her head. She didn't think so, but wasn't that the point of sickness That it came over you quickly and unexpectedly?

He tucked a pillow under her neck and brushed her sweaty hair from her face. "When was the last time you ate something?"

That was actually a very good question. The harder she thought about it the more she realized that she truly couldn't remember the last time she left her desk, let alone the last time she ventured down to the kitchen. Her parents were hard at work clearing her name; they hadn't worried about the things she should be able to do for herself. The girls' parents were reluctant to allow them to spend time with her. And although she understood, she had to admit that it stung. They should have known that she would never do this. Or maybe they did and just didn't care. Either way, the girls probably would have thought to remind her to eat anyway. To them she was the invisible leader of the group. Nothing ever went wrong with Spencer Hastings, and when it did it was ignored until it couldn't be any longer.

But Toby? Toby would have noticed had he been here. He always did. He would take one look at her and all of her walls would come crashing down. The clear blue pierced into her soul and extracted all the information that they needed. He would take one look at her and know that her carefully constructed facade was just that... a facade.

But he wasn't there. He left her for another job. She understood, truly she got it. But she still couldn't help but feel the sting of abandonment.

She realized that he was waiting for an answer, but it suddenly felt like her throat was filled with gravel. She couldn't articulate and sounds so she just shrugged and leaned into the hand he had on her face. His skin against hers was the most comforting this she could imagine right now. Especially since it was so warm, and she was just so cold.

He looked at her with uncertainty in his eyes. "I'm going to go get you some food, okay?"

She grabbed his wrist before he got any stupid ideas. Before he got there she was functioning, albeit not well. But now that having him by her side was a possibility she couldn't imagine holding herself together without him there.

"_Spencer," _he breathed. "Baby, you need to eat something. I know everything sucks right now, but it will get better. I promise we'll figure this out. But we won't be able to if you don't take care of yourself."

She just shook her head. She didn't care what he said, he couldn't leave her. Not right now. All that was running through her mind was sitting alone in a jail cell. Her parents would cut her off as soon as she was convicted. There was no point in tarnishing the pristine Hastings name by visiting their wayward daughter in prison for murder, regardless of whether she committed it or not. Her friends would probably fall back in Alison's malicious snare with no one to guide them out. And Toby? God, he would probably finally realize that he deserved so much better than her. He deserved better than someone who lied to him constantly, who was always on the run for her life... someone who had caused him to break _two bones _over the course of a year, and who would never be as kind, loyal, and gentle as he was. He deserved the best in the world, and that was decidedly not her. Her inadequacies were further emphasized by the fact that she wouldn't, she _couldn't, _let him go.

He pressed a soft kiss to her forehead before changing tactics entirely and sweeping her off the bed and into his sturdy arms. She knew she should be embarrassed, but all she felt was gratitude; gratitude that he knew her well enough to know what she needed without her having to voice it. Gratitude that he hadn't been scared off by her crazy yet... and just gratitude for _him; _for every single part of him._  
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He sat her on top of the counter, showing off his strength by the way he steadied her dead weight with a single arm. He rummaged through the counter before pulling out a granola bar and handing it to her. "You're eating more than this, but this is a start."

She nodded wordlessly and unwrapped it. She knew that she was scaring him. She was scaring herself, but she still couldn't make herself talk. She couldn't make herself do anything other than shakily unwrap a granola bar. It was like she went from 100 to 0 the second he entered her room. When she was alone she felt like she carried the weight of the world on her shoulders, but when Toby was with her it was like he took on some of her burden. He carried some of her load, allowing her to show some vulnerability. Around Toby she didn't have to be the Spencer Hastings the rest of the world saw. She could be the Spencer Hastings that she knew she was in her heart. And right now that she was so scared that she forgot to eat for what was likely multiple days. She was terrified, and there was no one in the world she would admit that to besides Toby Cavanaugh.

He watched her eat the granola bar with hard, vigilant eyes. His arms steadied her and his touch sustained her. Everything would be okay as long as he was there. "I'm sorry," she finally whispered.

His stony gaze softened at the sound of her voice. He brushed his knuckles over her cheek. "Are you okay?" He asked her again, this time leaving no room for her to brush it off or lie.

But how could she? After everything he had done for her, after everything that they had gone through together? No, lying wasn't an option any longer. "Not even a little bit."

He lifted her in his arms again and brought her back to the tan chaise in front of their fireplace. "You're freezing, baby. I'm going to start a fire, okay?"

"Okay," she whispered. She reached behind them and gathered the plush pillows for them to lean against, reminding her of a different, happier time.

_If you ever get the urge to run away again, call me first._

She hadn't even really known him then. She thought she had, but she hadn't even begun to scratch the surface. But right then, right at that moment, she knew that he was going to be someone that she could rely on, someone that she could trust through anything. Even when she thought the worst, even when she thought that he betrayed her in the most painful way possible, he was still fighting for her. He was still working to be her safe place to land.

The warmth of the fire felt good against her chilled body. Toby leaned against the pillows she had set up and pulled her so close that she was practically in his lap and handed her a bottle of water that she hadn't seen him grab. "Drink that, and once you're warm enough we'll go find you something more substantial."

It had been a long time since she had felt completely safe, but laying there in Toby's arms, the ones that were so obviously powerful but had never done anything other than keep her safe, got her as close as she remembered. "I'm so sorry," she mumbled, taking a small swig of the water.

"Why?" He didn't try to placate her. He knew she wouldn't like that. He questioned her gently, something that he was better at than any other single person in her life.

"I need to figure this out, Toby," she sounded vaguely hysterical, and almost immediately regretted it. She didn't want to worry him. "I can't go to jail. I just- I can't. I can't lose my friends. I can't- I can't lose you."

He lifted her slightly, still being sure to support her weight. He put a hand on her face and left the other on the small of her back. "That will **never **happen."**  
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"But-"

He shook his head, silencing her with a chaste kiss. "I'm telling you, baby. That will never happen. I'm confident that your parents will figure this out, but if they don't- if for **some reason **you end up in jail, I won't rest until I find a way to get you out again. And I'll pretend to be your lawyer and bring you Chinese food, and we'll just- we'll figure it out. Because I can't lose you either."

"You won't," she whispered without hesitation. "Because I can't be without you. I can't even breath without you."

And for the first time in days, as she settled back into his chest, she realized that maybe everything would be alright. Maybe she would get through this.


End file.
